BYOC, Mushroom Flavored

1.  If you believe in a God - who or what form does it take?  Person or thing?  He or she?  None of the above?

Wow, let's jump right into the deep end, huh? Okay, basically, I believe that there is something out there beyond the human experience, but I believe that whatever the real "truth" is, our puny human minds are incapable of grasping it. Ever. So, I have no trouble with whatever method of trying to deal with it that a person chooses. Me, I think it's multifaceted, so I like to think of a multitude of approaches.

2.  If it were considered socially acceptable - would you stop shaving or waxing?

Totally. Everything but my armpits. It just feels unsanitary to leave those furry. But let's face it, scraping, ripping, or melting it off all the other spots is just a total PITA. Of course, I'd rather someone develop a method of taking it all off everywhere that was painless and didn't result in itchy, painful stubble afterward.

3.  How often do you weigh yourself?  Why? 

Most of the time I weigh myself twice a day, once in the morning when I first get up (after visiting the porcelain) and immediately before I crawl into bed. I do it because I'm obsessed with losing this weight, of course, but also because I'm trying to build up the faith that not only can I lose weight, but that I can CONTROL my weight and lose what I might gain and keep off what I lose. This is a huge change in mindset for me, so I need a lot of practice. Of course, if I know for a fact that I ate like a rhinoceros one day, I'll generally give myself the next day off the blunt the impact of a gain. Gains can still send me into a depression spiral, so I have to be careful.


4.  When was the last time you admitted you were wrong? (Thank you to Joey for this question)


Oh, dear lord. To myself, or to someone else? I think I block those memories out. It's much easier to remember the last time I got to gloat about being right.

5.  Repeat question.  How was your week?


Not bad. I think I learned something this week, and that's usually the signal of a good week. I learned that I still need to get rid of my diet mentality, the kind where I binge the day after a weigh in because I'll have the whole week to work it off. I need to remember that even with the band, I don't need to deprive myself of foods I enjoy. I can enjoy them, as long as I remember to consider my portion size and listen to my band telling me when I'm full. A better week will be when I remember this BEFORE the binge as opposed to after. (And when I say binge, it's nothing compared to before banding, just compared to how I usually eat.)


Wow, BYOC is fun! I missed it last week and seeing it today made this into a good week after all. :)

That's Not Real Fod

So one of the things I'm still working on figuring out nearly 8 weeks after banding is what foods are worth it for me to eat. This is a new equation in my life. Before banding, I just ate. Half the time I didn't think about what I was putting in my mouth (if I did, I would have lived in a state of perpetual self-disgust) and the other half, I just didn't care. I was already fat and unhealthy, so why stress about the food that was making me that way? Clearly, I was eating too many calories, but now I'm realizing that the amount of calories I was eating may have mattered less than whether those calories were worth eating.

What I mean by that is that as I make better, more sensible food choices, it is becoming clearer to me that "real food" is much more satisfying than the alternatives. "Real food" is a hot topic these days. You can find whole books about it in your local bookstore, whole pages of books on the topic, if you cruise through Amazon. For my purposes, though, when I talk about real food, I'm referring to anything that isn't processed or prepackaged. Things like eggs (pasture raised, please), meat (ditto), milk (three for three), vegetables (organic, please), fruits (yuppers), and grains (certainly in the "o" column). To many, my obsession with organics and pasture-raised animals may make me a snob or a hippie, but I'm okay with that. Even before banding, I preferred to choose those foods when possible, but now I'm realizing that the alternatives aren't worth it.

I try to keep my calories at somewhere around 1000/day. I say around, because there are days I eat 850 and days I eat 1400. Mostly, I average between 1000 and 1100. Before banding, I could get 1000 calories having coffee, a piece of toast, and a single fast food sandwich, and then everything else I ate that day would be those excess calories that made me fat. Theoretically, even with the band, I could still make those food choices, but now they're just not worth it to me. Today, I would say that most of that food isn't real food, and therefore, I'd rather not eat it.

This morning, I had toast and coffee for breakfast. Not the bandster's first choice, perhaps, but I find I can't eat anything too rich or too heavy in the morning without severe nausea and potential for vomiting (I've always been that way, even before banding). The difference here is that the coffee was made with real raw sugar (half a teaspoon) and organic, pasture raised half-and-half. One tablespoon of that. For a total of 37 calories. The toast was a thin slice of home-baked bread (made last night from organic flour and natural ingredients) with a teaspoon of pasture raised butter. Low in protein, but I'll have meat for lunch and dinner, so I'll have no trouble meeting my protein goal for the day. So far for the day, I've had 137 calories, less than 15% of my allowance for the day, and every single one of those calories was totally worth it. They all tasted good, none of them cost the environment more than necessary, and all of them allowed me to live with my band while feeling content and satisfied. If I'd tweaked that just a little, gotten a small nonfat latte and a bagel with non-fat cream cheese from Starbucks, for example, I'd have eaten 500 calories of food that wasn't really worth it to me. Even if the band had stopped me at half the bagel, that would still have been 250 calories (113 more than I actually ate). It would have contained less fat, but also less satisfaction and it wouldn't have tasted as good. To me, the unprocessed "real food" I ate at home was a better, healthier choice and worked with my band.

True, a lot of bandsters would tell me I should have had Greek yogurt instead. Or maybe a scrambled egg. There are days when I do that, but here's my confession: I love bread. Love it. It is my favorite of all foods. I adore it more than ice cream (meh) or potato chips (one of my trigger foods and a life-long addiction for me). Give me a choice between a handful of chocolate and a piece of fresh baked bread (home-made or from a real bakery) and I will go for the bread 9-1/2 times out of 10. My brother and sister-in-law are gluten intolerant, and have cut all products containing wheat out of their diets. I'd rather cut off my own arm. Seriously, I can't live without bread. Which could be a problem for a bandster, both because of the low protein/high carb nature of bread, and because the texture of bread can have trouble passing through the band. But here's the thing. "Real" bread (the kind from the bakery or from my very own oven) passes through the band pretty well. It has fiber and texture and it tastes so good, that it's worth it to me to take small bites, chew slowly, and get it through the band. Pre-sliced generic white sandwich bread? Not real food and definitely not worth it. Also lower in fiber, higher in sugar, stickier in texture, full of chemicals, AND higher in calories. Clearly the unhealthy choice. As a bandster, I have had to reshape my priorities. Homemade bread is a priority; processed, pre-sliced bread is not.

It's all about priorities.

And balance. For breakfast today, I had a carb-heavy, protein-light meal. For lunch, I will have a couple of slices of roast chicken (heritage breed, pasture raised) and some veggies. Or maybe a small serving a chili with pastured ground beef. The meat cost a lot more than the supermarket alternatives, but it was locally and sustainable raised and frankly, it tastes so much better that I don't feel deprived from eating only 2-3oz of it as a time. It's so full of flavor that 2oz feels more like a meal than 6oz or the alternative. For dinner, there's either the chicken or some leftovers from an organic rabbit I stewed over the weekend in red wine and prunes. And more veggies. So worth every single calorie and so, soooooooooo satisfying.

One of the reasons I got the band and not another procedure like bypass was because I wanted to be able to eat and enjoy real food, I just wanted to eat less of it. I didn't want to give up my bread (obviously) or my chocolate or my steak. I wanted a smaller slice, nibble, or cut. I'm doing that with the help of the band, and because I'm choosing real food, I'm doing it with happy tastebuds and a smile on my face. :)


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I hope no one interprets this as a lecture, or me claiming to be better than anyone else. My priorities are my own. I happen to live in an area where organic, pasture raised foods are easily accessible. They're sold at my local groceries and at the weekend farmer's market in my town, less than 5 miles from my house. I also only have myself to feed and worry about. I'm not trying to budget to feed myself, a husband and three kids, let alone saving for college, paying for daycare, or providing clothes to cover bodies that seem to double in size every few months. My animals and myself are the only things I have to spend my money on, so it's easy for me to justify funding my environmental and health agenda. Everyone has to do the best they can with what they have, and no one--least of all me--should fault them for it. Make your own priorities, and then live by them. I hope it brings you the same satisfaction it brings me. :)

Fill 'Er Up!

Just got back from having my second fill. This time I know better than to try to predict how it will work until it's had time to settle in. Of course I didn't notice any immediate difference (unless you count belching a couple of times within a few minutes of leaving the office, and with the way I belch after being banded, I put no store in that), but I know it will take time for the stomach to adjust to the additional pressure in the band, so for now, I'm just in waiting mode. Waiting and liquids mode today. Waiting and mushies mode tomorrow.

Apparently, I am totally average so far according to my surgeon. He said most people lose 3-4 lbs per month the first couple of months until they get a sufficient level of fill. Yup, I'm right there. I told him that unless I ate a cup or more at a time, I was hungry within 2 hours of eating. Totally normal. And I also mentioned that the first fill actually seemed to make a difference for the first week or so, then the noticeable effect went away. Again, that's normal. Good to know that I'm not somehow an oddball for my experiences so far.

He gave me the option of choosing between 3 levels of fill: Aggressive = adding 3cc; Moderate = Adding 2.5cc; or Conservative = Adding 2cc. I went with moderate, which brought my total fill up to 5.5cc in an 11cc Realize band. Aside from my anal retentive soul liking the idea of being at exactly half-full, I also felt this was the right decision at this time. Part of me really wanted to go with the aggressive fill, because, hey, it's not like I don't want to lose as much weight as possible as fast as possible, but the larger part of me thinks that if I can make this journey without ever experiencing a stuck episode or the joys of PBing, that would be just fine with me. Also, I'm a bit of a wuss about stomach discomfort; to me, vomiting is the most horrifying experience in the human repertoire, and I dread it for more reasons that just not wanting my band to slip. I'd rather go through just about any type of illness than have to vomit. I mean that. So the idea of going slowly seems to make sense to me. I knew I didn't want to be super conservative, because I get uber-frustrated when I don't lose, but since my surgeon is fine with filling every 3 weeks, I figured I could do 2.5 until then and see where it takes me.

Fingers crossed. In the meantime, I'm going to go make some soup and pay an inordinate amount of attention to any and every sensation between my neck and my belly button

Because I'm obsessive like that. Duh! :P

Bangs, Whimpers, and Broomsticks

Well, last week started out with a bang.

Literally.

I live on a corner lot which is entirely fenced in three sections, thank goodness. The back yard is separated from the front and side yards and is where the dogs go out to play (I said thank goodness, because had they occupied the side yard, disaster might have occurred). The front and the side are more for show with nice plants and stuff (it was landscaped by the previous owners...I have a black thumb for anything except herbs). Well, sometime between 9 am and 11 am last Monday, some a#$@!%)$ took the corner too tight (frankly, based on the look of it, they HAD to have been under the influence of something) and destroyed about 30-40 feet of my fencing in the side yard. Uprooted, like, 6 posts from their concrete moorings and everything. And then just drove off. Leaving me with a huge mess and no visible chance of compensation for the damage. None of the neighbors had seen the car or the driver, so with no leads to go on, the local sheriff filed a report but didn't even bother to come out to take a look. If I'd had the person's info, I'd have been able to make a claim against the owner's car insurance, but no such luck. So, I called my insurance company so see if I could claim it on my homeowner's insurance only to hear that based on my deductible and the fact that the claim would sit on my policy for the next 5 years, I would be better off just eating the cost. This made me less than happy.

One side of the destroyed corner. It continues around for a total of 37ft.

Close-up of the uprooted posts. It's hard to see the fence lying on the shrubs.

Today, the excitement nearly overwhelmed me. On Wednesday of last week, in a remarkable stroke of luck, I got a phone call out of the blue from a detective with the local police department (this was entirely different from the department that took my report of the fence damage...since I live outside the incorporated city limits, the sheriff's department had jurisdiction over my report). It turns out that this police detective was in my neighborhood the morning of the incident and actually SAW a tow truck hit my fence, tear it down, then turn and flee the scene. Since she was out of jurisdiction, she didn't stop them, but she made note of the name of the towing company and tracked down their phone number. When she called them and explained that the driver could be arrested because he hadn't stopped to exchange info or report the hit and run, suddenly the company was happy to contact me and arrange to pay for the fence repair.  :P  Today, they presented me with a money order to cover the cost!!! So next week, I'll have the fencing company out to replace nearly 40 ft of damaged fence. Woohoo!

Oh, to make this vaguely lap band/weight loss related, I was very proud of myself for not reacting to crises last week by turning to food. Instead, I took my rage out on the house and launched myself into spring cleaning. My sparkling kitchen then made it so much easier to cook for myself for a change (hence the black beans and rice of my last post and a whole bunch of other healthy, band-friendly yumminess that I happily enjoyed), so I had a pretty darn great week as far as being banded is concerned. In fact (knock wood), the scale seems to be supporting my efforts for a change, so it I keep my fingers crossed, I might have a good loss this week. It makes me almost anxious for Wednesday so I can weigh in and see! :)

Kitchen Witchery

One of the things I was afraid I would have the most trouble with after being banded was not being able to eat out. I'd gotten myself into a lazy rut consisting of a lot of fast food, take out, and restaurant meals, partly because I just like to eat out (I'm a self-confessed foodie and loooooove trying new restaurants) and partly because it always seems like a waste of time to cook for one person. When I did cook at home, it was usually something special (and fattening) at the request of my roomie/bff. That made it worthwhile because we'd share the meal; I wasn't just cooking for one.

I've found myself slowly shaking off that mentality. Now I try not to think about cooking for one being a waste of energy and look at it as a way of actually taking care of myself (imagine that!!!) for a change. As part of this odyssey, I've been reading an apropos (but not specifically bandster) book called The Art of Eating In, by Cathy Erway. Erway is a New Yorker who decided to start an eating experiment by giving up restaurant and take-out eating in NYC and blogging about it. Her writing is engaging and the story is pretty inspiring. She isn't talking about weight or anything like that, but she does talk about health, the environment, and the monetary savings that she discovered when she began cooking for herself for each and every meal. As a self-pay bandster, monetary savings are right up my alley! Anyway, the book is a fun read and while I have to adjust my own cooking in order to accommodate my band and my new lifestyle, I've found a lot of inspiration in the idea of cooking for myself, exploring new foods, and experimenting with new recipes. So far, I'm having a blast.

Most of the time, I try to keep it simple, since I love to cook, but hate to clean up. I'm also reveling in the freedom to experiment with recipes I know my spice-phobic bff would never touch. Take today, for instance. For lunch, I made myself black beans and rice--a double whammy for the bff, who eats neither spicy food (and she classifies spaghetti sauce as spicy) nor beans in any form. But I LOVED it! It turned out great and it was sooooooo simple, that it didn't seem like a waste at all. It seemed like the right thing to do for myself and my new lifestyle. Yay, me!

Black Beans and Rice

(My band is not restrictive at the moment, so I have no problem with rice. If you can't tolerate the little grains, I suggest serving the black beans with sauteed kale instead. Yum!)

1 can (16 oz.) black beans (preferably organic)
1/4 c. chopped onion
1 tsp. minced garlic
1 tsp. finely diced jalepeno
1 tsp. olive oil
1/2 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. oregano
1/2 tsp. kosher salt
1 bay leaf

In a small saucepan, saute the onion, garlic and jalepeno over medium-low heat until the onion is soft and translucent. Add the canned beans (liquid included), the bay leaf, the cumin, and the oregano and stir to combine. Let simmer over low heat for 30 minutes. Don't add the salt yet, since it can cause the beans to seem a little tough. After 30 minutes, check the beans. They should have thickened to a soft, thick stew. If they seem soupy, remove about 1/2 c. to a bowl, mash with a fork and return to pot. Add the salt and stir. Simmer 5 more minutes. Remove bay leaf and discard. Serve 1/2 c. beans over 1/2 c. steamed white rice.

Makes 3-4 servings.

I served mine with home-baked tortilla chips (cut 1 corn tortilla into 6 triangles, mist with olive oil, salt and bake 5-10 min at 400 or until golden and crispy), salsa, low-fat sour cream and a slice of avocado. You could add or substitute low fat cheese if you like. Simple, yummy, and filling!

Can't You Just Be Happy for 5 Minutes?!?!?

Well, yesterday I was. I was happy for 5 minutes. Maybe 7. I didn't time it (though now I think maybe I should have).

I had my weekly weigh in, and for the first time since the week after surgery, I actually lost 1 whole pound. Plus. I lost 1.8 lbs. Yippee! That's like a normal weight loss, right? That means I really CAN lose 1-2 lbs per week just like the surgeon told me. I can be a real bandster!  I can lose this *#$#&$%@! weight in less than 5 years! I can do it! I ROOOOCCCCCKKKKKKK!

Then I remembered that I lost 0 last week. Zero. Zilch. Goose eggs. The big nothing. Which meant that my mind automatically did the math (I hate when it does that. I hate math.) and calculated that this fact brought my average down to 0.9 lbs for those 2 weeks.

Yup, less than a pound a week.

Cue 3-year-old temper tantrum. It was a thing of beauty. Seriously. I scared the dogs.

At this point, I'm seriously considering adding lithium to my list of supplements. These mood swings can't be healthy. Yesterday, I let my annoyance guide my eating (but I still tracked it all). Today, I'm back to sanity (or my version of it) and reminding myself that I get a fill next week. My second fill. One that will hopefully bring me that much closer to restriction. I want it so bad I can taste it, and it tastes like skinny.

BYOC Virginity

I'm a little late to Friday's party, but hey, that's pretty standard, and I love playing 20 questions. Or 5 questions.


1.  When you're sick - what comforts you?

Talking to my mommy. Seriously. I'm 36 years old (for a few more weeks at least), and whenever I get sick, the first thing I do is call my mom. She lives 3000 miles away in the South while I'm in the Pacific Northwest, but when I feel pathetic, the thing that makes me feel better is hearing her say, "Poor baby!"

2.  How attached to your cell phone are you?

I wish I were less attached to it. I'd rather not deal with it, and I'm always getting grief from people trying to contact me because I tend to forget about it and leave it home when I go out, or in my car when I get home, or in another part of the house when I'm just hanging around. But I do text regularly, and now that I'm banded, I find it really helpful to be able to check in with MFP and LBT on the phone. I'm old enough, though, that I remember fondly the days of not feeling obligated to always be accessible to the entire world. Somehow we all survived when we had to wait to be near a land line before talking to each other. Ah, the 80s...
 
3.  What brand, color and kind of sneaker do you own to work out in?  Why?  Do you get a custom fit or just pick one off the shelf?

I just retired my pink Saucony sneakers with the white trim for a new pair of white and grey Champions with pink accents. I'm a girly girl.

 
I always do off the shelf sneakers and I never spend an arm and a leg on them. I get at least half of my exercise riding, and I can't do that in sneakers.


4.  Do you ever wish you'd picked a different name for your blog and why?

Not especially, except that I always wish I were more clever and funny than I actually am. So if something brilliant came along on someone else's blog, I'd probably wish I'd thought of it.

5.  Repeat question.  Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.   

Well, it was my first week in blog land, and it was very satisfying. Me and my one lone reader hopefully had a great time. Right now, the silence in blog land is a bit deafening, but getting my feelings out on here is helpful for me. It helps keep things clear in my own mind, and it's like an affirmation when I type on the blog that I can do this, even when it's hard.



In the real world, the week was a bit stressful. I'm behind on work, partly because I'm so obsessed with my band that I just can't motivate myself to get stuff done when I could just be surfing the blogs and LBT. Also, I had a little trouble at my first special event post-banding and ate too much the day before my weigh in, so it was discouraging to not lose. Especially since this was the first weigh in since my first fill. But since I don't have restriction yet, I know I just have to plug along and deal with the ups and downs. Next fill in 2 weeks, so I'm excited about that.



Anyway, that's it. Nothing new to report at the moment. Well, I could report a few things, but I think I'm gonna wait and make that another post. Maybe tomorrow.

'Til then, sleep well, mes amis, and dream of skinny clothes.